9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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