Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
