mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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