I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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