Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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