I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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