I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
