if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
