I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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