just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I wish you could order shots online.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
