I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
