It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
