I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
