ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
