he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
