She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
