just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She needs sedatives and a leash
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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