Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
