I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize