Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
