I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize