I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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