apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
