I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
