true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
