I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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