i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
