I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
