my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
