Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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