I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
