Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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