my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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