she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
