Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
