I faked an abortion last night.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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