the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
