Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
