I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize