can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
