Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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