im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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