Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
