He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
