Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize