I met the friendliest cop last night
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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