But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize