I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
