The maid of honor just puked.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
