I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
