Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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