You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
