I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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