Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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