I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize